Crusaders (or Purveyors) of Crap

So, as readers may recall, I ordered two hentai games with my animé order last week, and it got in yesterday. I was pretty tired, but I figured, “what the hell,” and loaded up the bargain one: “Jewel Knights: Crusaders.” It installed just fine, and I started into the story. Pretty soon, I realized that yes, the auto-forward is a desirable feature. The story was just one click after another, as “I” talked about how I was king of the street fighters, the baddest baddass motherf-cker out there. I seem to be very impressed with myself. Very impressed. Probably five or six minutes of this, which I presume was to set the stage and explain to me who “I” was. The problem was, not only was I not liking me too much, but the picture I saw throughout all this (storefronts at night) never changed. And it was dull, not well done, and pretty uninteresting. Oh, and there’s NO sound or music. “Well, it’s a bargain game, I shoudln’t expect much.” So on I watch…

Yes, watch. I’m not making any choices. I haven’t met the girls for the first time yet; the blurb on the box says I meet them while looking for a street fight. I take it off auto-forward, but nothing changes. Click, click, click. I finally hear some sound, something breaking. Cue another minute of me gassing about how I can identify exactly what that sound is, because I’m so attuned to fights — I know it’s someone landing on a case of beer bottles and breaking them. How do I know this? Because I’m the baddest street fighter there is. I finally get around to checking up on the sound and meet the three Jewel Knights and the dominatrix they’re fighitng. Damn, they’re ugly. How do I mean that? As in “not attractive to men.” They’ve all got huge tits and nothing else going for them. Well, “I” end up getting knocked out in the ensuing fight, wake up in the hospital, and find the pink-haired one is now my nurse….

She’s dim, but sweet as hell. Gives me this bullshit story about her and the other girls are fighting against a 2,000 year old organization out to conquer the world. Yeah, right. Like some cartoon, or somethin’. I don’t believe a word of this shit, but hey, I’ll listen to a babe telling me stories any day. (Cue another 15 minutes of chit-chat, during which I meet the other two members of the team. They’re still not attractive. Especially the shy blond loli. The third member is, frankly, a smart-alec bitch.)

Someone needs to slap that blue-haired ho, and I’m just the guy to do it — as soon as I get out of this hospital bed. (Just as frankly, “I” deserve everything she’s giving me. I seem to be a complete and total reprobate as I describe hunting down and beating up some sixth-graders that had bullied me, putting them in the hosptial. I was a prodigy, then being only in the third grade. Anyway, after I beat them up, then I came to visit and steal their candy, presents, and meals. Yep, that’s me, all heart.) So hey, I’m like, all familiar with hospitals and such. Just not the view from my back, if you know what I mean.

So eventually, I’m all alone with the pink-haired babe again, who seems to be all worried about me. I think she likes me or somethin’. My neighbor chica shows up to check on me, the FINE one with purple hair (at last, an attractive female). I kid her about being my babe, but she disses me. S’ok, I’ll fix her when I get out too. But the pink-hair, she’s like, getting angry or something and starts making the evil eyes until my neighbor-girl leaves. Hey, damn, she’s like, jealous! She really does like me! Well, hey, an upstanding guy like me, I know exactly what kinda moves to put on a babelicous pink-haired sweetmeat like her!

Yessirree! I grab her and come on to her, you know, hard? So she gets all weak-kneed and weepy, but I know that just means she really wants me…. bad. So that’s just the way I take her, you know?

Yes, that is right. I have played the game for almost an HOUR at this point, mindlessly clicking forward, making NO choices whatsoever, and my first “score” is to violently rape one of the four girls in the story. Oh, and of course she was a virgin, so I’ve stolen a hell of a lot more than her first kiss. Wait, this is entertainment? The first chapter ends with me thinking that maybe, just maybe I did something wrong. Yep, since it was her first time, she probably wanted me to be a bit more gentle. Ah hell, I’ll make it up to her tomorrow with an apology.

Good God.

That assumes that this crap is still on my hard drive by “tomorrow.” (No jokes about “hard drive” in this context please–readers might remember my rather visceral reaction to abuse in this show.) Frankly, Tokimekki Check-in had better rescue the genre, because between bad art, bad character design, bad sound effects, no music, and a main character that I find it reprehensible to “be”, Jewel Knights has pretty much poisoned the well as far as I’m concerned. I may be a dirty old man, but I’ll be damned if I’ll be a rapist.

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