Who needs a brain to watch anime anyway? (Rio review)

Ok, I was really bored, since we’re between seasons, and all that. But still, I can’t do it. I just can’t finish watching the first episode of Rio – Rainbow Gate. It’s not only mindbogglingly stupid, it takes itself seriously. Oh, and I’m not sure the terms of that card game were quite legal. Let’s see, if Rio wins, the bad guy has to say why they want to steal the little girl’s teddy bear and then leave the island. If she loses, the bad guys get the bear (or the girl, it’s not really clear), and Rio has to strip naked. Um, yeah, that’s real cool there.

Rio’s boss, the casino owner, not only ordered her into the game, he ordered up cameras to record her loss so he can use the footage for his next commercial. By the way, did anyone bother mentioning it to the little girl’s rich grandfather? You know, the grandfather that the casino owner promised to take good care of while ojii-sama contributed to his casino’s bottom line? What the hell does that old fart care anyway, he let a ten-year old girl (if that) wander all around town unescorted while he gambled. Not gonna win Grandpappy of the Year Award like that.

And hey, let’s not discuss the insanely skimpy outfits the owner of the casino orders Rio to wear, and all the T & A shots we’re getting here. (Yeah, I know, it’s a casino). I’m sure it’s a total coincidence that he’s named “Howard.” He’d better be paying her a mint, and I don’t mean the little girl (who is, un-charmingly enough, named Mint. Ha ha. Get it? Mint.)

(Picture somewhat NSFW below the fold)

You said the customers would like it when I climb the stairs!\

I gave up after Rio showed up for the poker game/duel wearing a wedding dress, and the guy launches into a sob story about being left at the altar, ending up with “YOU PISSED ME OFF!” Then he gets an 8 of clubs followed by the 10, J, K, Q of hearts — sweet hand! So he throws away everything but the Queen, supremely confident that he will draw the other 3 Queens for a four-of-a-kind. Look, I’m not any great shakes at scoring Mah Jong, but I’m fairly sure that a royal straight flush, or even a regular straight flush beats four of a kind.

“Women of games obey my every command” or some such drivel. Rio discards a card and then we’re treated to at least a minute of insane pyrotechnics as they both spawn alternate worlds in which Rio poses nude amongst a bright cyber-world of technicolor numbers, card symbols and ascii codes. (Not even the high end set, just the basic ascii. How lame). The guy wanders through a grim world of man-sized burned and blackened game cards, searching for his queens.

This is what I get for taking LSD while playing solitaire on my PC\

At that point, I said “Enough. I am not retarded enough, perverted enough, or addicted to card games enough to tolerate this amount of stupidity.” Thank me guys, I took another one for the team….

UPDATE: Looks like the team took the dive with me on this one. Worse, I was wayyyyy too kind to it. Just read to the reason he was trying to steal the kid’s teddy bear and try not to upchuck in your shorts.

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